Sunday, February 21, 2010
I came across this very nice summary about the 10 most interesting and provokative social psychology experiments. Overall, a great blog:
http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/11/10-piercing-insights-into-human-nature.php
http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/11/10-piercing-insights-into-human-nature.php
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
It seems the topic of self-empowerment has a strong grip on my mind right now. Here is a nice excerpt from my scratch books from 2 years ago:
The worst of all social illusions, created to sustain basic human civilization, is the myth of the other half. Of the lost soul mate. Of the white knight, who will eventually find and rescue you. Of the happily ever after. Because the happily ever after is actually where the story begins, and not where it ends. And that, that is the greatest secret of civilization, the building block of compliance it slowly encapsulates you in.
However, it took me 27 years to realize it. And I want to share all that secret knowledge with you so that you don’t waste the precious time you are given in looking for someone right. Better, spend that time looking for yourself!
It all began when I was 2 years of age. With an innocent book of fairytales. With an innocent mention of the princess, who was beautiful, and sweet, and good hearted, and merry spirited, loving, caring, and of course, unhappy. Because she hadn’t been found yet. By the prince. Who was spending his time doing a million adventurous and mind-blowingly fun things, like riding horses, fighting dragons, enchanting damsels, traveling the world, meeting great people and experiencing life. In the end, when the prince had had it all, and was tired and wounded, and wanted to rest by a warm fire, he decided to settle with the beautiful princes. Who by all means was very happy to be chosen, and taken away from her boring everyday-the-same life.
And, wow, that sounded so easy. You just wait, and perfect your singing, and sewing, and here comes a great man, intelligent, brave, experienced, sensitive, caring, and he wants YOU, and will love you forever. And he finds you not just in one, but in one hundred fairytales. And then he starts finding you in some great works of art as well, only he changes names from time to time, and has more modern occupations. He becomes Mr. Darcy, Jack Dawson, Superman, but the fact is – you always recognize him. As that gorgeous man who is supposed to be there, somewhere, waiting for you. And you are indoctrinated so strong in believing he exists, that no amount of common sense is able to change that. Not at least in you teens, or in your twenties, and sometimes even after that… And by then, it is already too late. By then you have become cynical, chronically broken-hearted, and sick(from)love.
The worst of all social illusions, created to sustain basic human civilization, is the myth of the other half. Of the lost soul mate. Of the white knight, who will eventually find and rescue you. Of the happily ever after. Because the happily ever after is actually where the story begins, and not where it ends. And that, that is the greatest secret of civilization, the building block of compliance it slowly encapsulates you in.
However, it took me 27 years to realize it. And I want to share all that secret knowledge with you so that you don’t waste the precious time you are given in looking for someone right. Better, spend that time looking for yourself!
It all began when I was 2 years of age. With an innocent book of fairytales. With an innocent mention of the princess, who was beautiful, and sweet, and good hearted, and merry spirited, loving, caring, and of course, unhappy. Because she hadn’t been found yet. By the prince. Who was spending his time doing a million adventurous and mind-blowingly fun things, like riding horses, fighting dragons, enchanting damsels, traveling the world, meeting great people and experiencing life. In the end, when the prince had had it all, and was tired and wounded, and wanted to rest by a warm fire, he decided to settle with the beautiful princes. Who by all means was very happy to be chosen, and taken away from her boring everyday-the-same life.
And, wow, that sounded so easy. You just wait, and perfect your singing, and sewing, and here comes a great man, intelligent, brave, experienced, sensitive, caring, and he wants YOU, and will love you forever. And he finds you not just in one, but in one hundred fairytales. And then he starts finding you in some great works of art as well, only he changes names from time to time, and has more modern occupations. He becomes Mr. Darcy, Jack Dawson, Superman, but the fact is – you always recognize him. As that gorgeous man who is supposed to be there, somewhere, waiting for you. And you are indoctrinated so strong in believing he exists, that no amount of common sense is able to change that. Not at least in you teens, or in your twenties, and sometimes even after that… And by then, it is already too late. By then you have become cynical, chronically broken-hearted, and sick(from)love.
And on the other hand, here is a nice thought, taken down from a favorite movie:
Christopher McCandless: ...you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. Into the Wild
Does the joy of life come principally from the human relationships? Or is it in anything we can experience, in us? When you can't change reality or the people in it, you should definitely change yourself, and the way you experience reality and people. Basically, you can only work on yourself, and it is a myth that you can change anyone else to fit into your views. The greatest harm you can do to people is to take them for what you think they are; and to not see them as who they really are.
I.e. first love. For me, it was a person whom I didn't actually know. I met him 2-3 times on a dark staircase, and he told me I was beautiful. Fulstop. I did not know what he laughed at, aspired to, dreamed of. But I was deeply, passionately in love, as anyone 13 years old can be. I did not need to glimpse him for month, because my imagination was filling into the actual need for a real human presence by creating thousands of make-believe stories of how we meet, speak, kiss, and love each other.
But that person was just a shell I filled with meaning. I imagined his taste, his gestures, his interests... I was creating an image of my perfect man. But though of the same name, that imaginary creature was not the actual living man who spoke to me in the dark staircase. The huge love, swllen to some grotesque extensions, was entirely imaginary. Yet, to me it was so real.
When we eventually met in real life, I was so disappointed. He was not romantic, not so beautiful, had a boring job, and unexciting hobbies. He told me he loved me in real, but I could not feel any spark. He wrote me a poem, but it did not touch me. Yet, how was he guilty in any way... He was not. I could not blame it on him that I did not love him back. Although it was not easy to break up with the love of my life, I had to learn to love a real man. Stop imagining, listen and look, and learn to see who is that person opposite you.
I think that is one of the most important lessons in life. Not to extrapolate our wishful thinking on the external wolrd, and feel disappointed when reality does not meet imagination. Change yourself, and look the truth in the eyes.
The, the joy of life will not depend on any relationships, it will be a function only of your internal experience and your ability to perceive reality and enjoy it.
Christopher McCandless: ...you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. Into the Wild
Does the joy of life come principally from the human relationships? Or is it in anything we can experience, in us? When you can't change reality or the people in it, you should definitely change yourself, and the way you experience reality and people. Basically, you can only work on yourself, and it is a myth that you can change anyone else to fit into your views. The greatest harm you can do to people is to take them for what you think they are; and to not see them as who they really are.
I.e. first love. For me, it was a person whom I didn't actually know. I met him 2-3 times on a dark staircase, and he told me I was beautiful. Fulstop. I did not know what he laughed at, aspired to, dreamed of. But I was deeply, passionately in love, as anyone 13 years old can be. I did not need to glimpse him for month, because my imagination was filling into the actual need for a real human presence by creating thousands of make-believe stories of how we meet, speak, kiss, and love each other.
But that person was just a shell I filled with meaning. I imagined his taste, his gestures, his interests... I was creating an image of my perfect man. But though of the same name, that imaginary creature was not the actual living man who spoke to me in the dark staircase. The huge love, swllen to some grotesque extensions, was entirely imaginary. Yet, to me it was so real.
When we eventually met in real life, I was so disappointed. He was not romantic, not so beautiful, had a boring job, and unexciting hobbies. He told me he loved me in real, but I could not feel any spark. He wrote me a poem, but it did not touch me. Yet, how was he guilty in any way... He was not. I could not blame it on him that I did not love him back. Although it was not easy to break up with the love of my life, I had to learn to love a real man. Stop imagining, listen and look, and learn to see who is that person opposite you.
I think that is one of the most important lessons in life. Not to extrapolate our wishful thinking on the external wolrd, and feel disappointed when reality does not meet imagination. Change yourself, and look the truth in the eyes.
The, the joy of life will not depend on any relationships, it will be a function only of your internal experience and your ability to perceive reality and enjoy it.
Have you ever been singled out and rejected? This is one of the most traumatic psychological experiences an individual can experience, no matter whether it concerns social, or romantic, or any other type of rejection.
Because of the social nature of humans, we tend to have an intrinsic, basic need of belonging – to a society, group, family, friendship or a relationship. Actually, some psychologists even suggest that belonging is one of the fundamental motivators for human behavior. Dr. Abraham Maslow 's article "A Theory of Human Motivation " places the feeling of belonging in advance of such human motivators as recognition, status, self respect, and the quest for truth, justice and wisdom. Rejection often results into an inability to reach self-actualization, exactly because it hurts the feeling of self-esteem and leads to feelings of insecurity and fear of future rejection. Depending on the type of society, social needs may come even before needs for security and safety.
However, simple contact or social interactions with others are not enough to fulfill the need of belonging. It is mostly fed by meaningful, caring interpersonal relationships. Belonging is an integral part of the self-concept of a person, together with the physical self, character and existential awareness of the human being. Any form of rejection has psychological implications, most often resulting in loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression; and the so-called rejection sensitivity, a term defined by Karen Horney, and associated with neuroticism.
Based on all of these facts, the only way to deal with the consequences of rejection is to analyze the degree to which you can create your own happiness, and improve it. Reach out and practice, practice, practice. Your ability to interact, your ability to form meaningful friendships, your ability to express yourself, create and empower, your influence on others, your high self-esteem. The worst is to believe “you deserve it,” and internalize that pain. Most of the time, rejection is a symptom of a problem experienced by the “rejector” and not by the “rejectee”. So, don’t pity yourself. Become a stronger person, and deal with it.
I have recently come to realize the extent to which I am being affected, following a most unexpected rejection by a very close friend. Without realizing it, I have tried to cope with it by a variety of methods I use to cope with any signs of bad humor – going out, meeting people, boosting my hobbies, being and feeling prettier. Though a step in the right direction, the most healing approach would be not to shy from forming deep and intimate connections with other people, in fear of being rejected again, but to begin to seek new ones pro-actively. There is no better way to treat a traumatic experience, than head-on throwing yourself at the risk to repeatedly experience it, and as a result, overcome it.
Because of the social nature of humans, we tend to have an intrinsic, basic need of belonging – to a society, group, family, friendship or a relationship. Actually, some psychologists even suggest that belonging is one of the fundamental motivators for human behavior. Dr. Abraham Maslow 's article "A Theory of Human Motivation " places the feeling of belonging in advance of such human motivators as recognition, status, self respect, and the quest for truth, justice and wisdom. Rejection often results into an inability to reach self-actualization, exactly because it hurts the feeling of self-esteem and leads to feelings of insecurity and fear of future rejection. Depending on the type of society, social needs may come even before needs for security and safety.
However, simple contact or social interactions with others are not enough to fulfill the need of belonging. It is mostly fed by meaningful, caring interpersonal relationships. Belonging is an integral part of the self-concept of a person, together with the physical self, character and existential awareness of the human being. Any form of rejection has psychological implications, most often resulting in loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression; and the so-called rejection sensitivity, a term defined by Karen Horney, and associated with neuroticism.
Based on all of these facts, the only way to deal with the consequences of rejection is to analyze the degree to which you can create your own happiness, and improve it. Reach out and practice, practice, practice. Your ability to interact, your ability to form meaningful friendships, your ability to express yourself, create and empower, your influence on others, your high self-esteem. The worst is to believe “you deserve it,” and internalize that pain. Most of the time, rejection is a symptom of a problem experienced by the “rejector” and not by the “rejectee”. So, don’t pity yourself. Become a stronger person, and deal with it.
I have recently come to realize the extent to which I am being affected, following a most unexpected rejection by a very close friend. Without realizing it, I have tried to cope with it by a variety of methods I use to cope with any signs of bad humor – going out, meeting people, boosting my hobbies, being and feeling prettier. Though a step in the right direction, the most healing approach would be not to shy from forming deep and intimate connections with other people, in fear of being rejected again, but to begin to seek new ones pro-actively. There is no better way to treat a traumatic experience, than head-on throwing yourself at the risk to repeatedly experience it, and as a result, overcome it.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
One day, Meri called and proposed to buy tickets for a theatre premiere - Apocalipse comes at 6 pm.; I said YES, and at the very entrance of the hall I was somewhat disappointed when I read on the poster the play is written by a Bulgarian author,. I often find the modern Bulgarian writers too pompous and fake. And I was most pleasatly surprised, not by the actors or their performances; but by the strenght of the text; the qualify of the delicate, powerful phragments, intelligent monologue, undialogical dialogue, and an overall very nice, very concentrated lexical experience of meeting a beutifully written, thought-provoking, humorous, deep and well-balanced text.
However, it is not the play in its entireness that I took back home, because its phragmented nature did not leave a thorough impression of a whole. It was bit and pieces, thoughts and lightnings, provoked by the meaningful text. One of the characters confessed: "As a child, I was deeply aware that there was us, and there was them. We were the good guys, and they were the bad guys. And I was so relieved, so proud, so grateful, that I happened to be born on the side of the good ones." A rough quote, inspired by a childhooh to the east of the Iron curtain, which mentally clicked to many of the people in the audience. We all loughed. Because we recognized ourselves in these words.
Come to think of it, is not funny. The deep roots of hatred, of conflict, of despair and human unhappiness come from a division of the world into us and them, me and the rest of the world. It is so much easier to have an enemy to blame and judge, than to take full responsibility of our own reality.
If there is only "I", without any "they", then the I-self should be blamed for its overweight body, bad habbits of procrastination, boring job, unloved lover, lost dreams of being a famous Holliwood actor, cheap appartment with a bad view, and all those little, tiny, smelly misfortunes which pile up into a miserable life of lost opportunities. It is essentially flourishing from a psychologically comfortable notion that there should always be someone else to blame for all of it.
It is soooooo much more dificult to perceive ourselves in unity with the world, as happy little atoms of a whole, whose own power to create miracles drives the world ahead, and makes life a more livable experience.
We are losing our battles before starting them, because we are not aware that the greatest enemy we have is ourselves. The fact that we have disowned the control over our lives, and given it over to the anonimous "they", "them", "it", which we blame for every chance that we did not take, or we did not even consider taking. Fear makes us choose comfort over excitement. And converts us into lonely enemies of our beautiful dreams and our intrinsic right to the pursuit of happiness :)
However, it is not the play in its entireness that I took back home, because its phragmented nature did not leave a thorough impression of a whole. It was bit and pieces, thoughts and lightnings, provoked by the meaningful text. One of the characters confessed: "As a child, I was deeply aware that there was us, and there was them. We were the good guys, and they were the bad guys. And I was so relieved, so proud, so grateful, that I happened to be born on the side of the good ones." A rough quote, inspired by a childhooh to the east of the Iron curtain, which mentally clicked to many of the people in the audience. We all loughed. Because we recognized ourselves in these words.
Come to think of it, is not funny. The deep roots of hatred, of conflict, of despair and human unhappiness come from a division of the world into us and them, me and the rest of the world. It is so much easier to have an enemy to blame and judge, than to take full responsibility of our own reality.
If there is only "I", without any "they", then the I-self should be blamed for its overweight body, bad habbits of procrastination, boring job, unloved lover, lost dreams of being a famous Holliwood actor, cheap appartment with a bad view, and all those little, tiny, smelly misfortunes which pile up into a miserable life of lost opportunities. It is essentially flourishing from a psychologically comfortable notion that there should always be someone else to blame for all of it.
It is soooooo much more dificult to perceive ourselves in unity with the world, as happy little atoms of a whole, whose own power to create miracles drives the world ahead, and makes life a more livable experience.
We are losing our battles before starting them, because we are not aware that the greatest enemy we have is ourselves. The fact that we have disowned the control over our lives, and given it over to the anonimous "they", "them", "it", which we blame for every chance that we did not take, or we did not even consider taking. Fear makes us choose comfort over excitement. And converts us into lonely enemies of our beautiful dreams and our intrinsic right to the pursuit of happiness :)
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